Blog Update!

I haven’t blogged in months.. getting my thoughts together about if I actually wanted to do this and if so how did I really want to blog. I’ve started gaining more confidence in myself, which I needed. Also, I got myself a little side job that I’m able to do in the comfort of my own home while I stay at home with my boys. I’m a boy mom, so I try desperately every day to hang on to some glimpse of being a girly girl.. even though I never really was all that much of one before I had them. Guess it decided to come out more after my life became over run by testosterone.

On top of getting a job, I’ve also come across a lot a great authors that I cant get enough of. Those being – Diana Gabaldon, Susanna Kearsley & Nora Roberts. Yes, romance and time travel mysteries have become a thing for me and I’m not one bit ashamed! I enjoy them and if you have any doubts about what to read next I strongly suggest any of those. Also, I’ve gotten better at needing less sleep as long as I have large amounts of coffee. Cream and sugar please!

Life lately has definitely taken a turn that I wasn’t expecting. I won’t go into details about my personal life here but geez what a turn! Tomorrow is a big day and I’m nervous which I’m thinking I have no right to be but it’s something that I didn’t expect I’d ever be doing in my life. It’s almost humorous in a way but not in an ugly way. It’s a time of new beginnings and with the seasons changing I think that maybe the time is just right for it. Holidays are coming soon and I’m BIG on holidays. As long as I have enough coffee to get me through the weeks.

Our purpose as a mother.

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In bed I see laying in front of me my oldest baby’s London taxi cab car, which he probably left in here earlier this morning when we were trying to get dad out of bed. It happens all the time and I’m constantly picking up miniature automobiles as part of my daily routine. In fact, he fell asleep with his newest truck just a short bit ago and it has me thinking about what I do as his mother every day. Earlier I vented to my husband about how as a person I feel as though I don’t do that much with my life besides change diapers and make sure that by the end of the night our children are happy while still being in one piece. I actually do a damn good job at that. But besides that, my life has taken a pretty boring and slightly unfulfilling turn when I think about it. As a mother I feel extremely guilty about this.

I LOVE being able to raise my kids at home. I rarely get to miss out on all the awesome moments like I just had tonight. I was in my bedroom about to blog and my oldest woke up crying so of course I rush in to see what’s wrong. Nothing, he wants to cuddle and since he’s not being a butt about it I gladly oblige him. Squeezing together on his twin bed, we snuggle up and listen to the outside world that is still awake. Playing with his truck on my leg he turns to look at me and gets closer. I smile and take the opportunity to kiss his cheek which he in turn does back.. however he kisses my glasses but I’ll take that. We went back and forth like that for a little while, smiling and giggling. That was the first time he’s really done that with me. I laid there afterwards while he was changing his sleeping position again and thought to myself how lucky I am that I get to experience these moments of pure bliss. I like to think that he was happy too knowing that I am always there no matter what to comfort him when he needs it.

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I find myself a lot of times wishing that I was back at work or out and about away from the kids doing a hobby, doing something to help myself feel like more a person rather than a house elf. (Yes, I just used a Hogwarts reference.) I want to have my own personal life to worry about rather than others like my husband because all that I think that I do during the day is housework and that’s not really something to write home about. But then, I sometimes get the reality check that maybe , just maybe I’m the glue that keeps this whole house running. I make breakfast, lunch and dinner. I make sure everyone is up at the time they need to be to get to where they need to go. I take care of anyone that is sick and work through my own sickness because there isn’t time for that. I make sure the laundry is done and everyone has clean sheets on their beds. I give bathes, I brush teeth and I make sure that we have every Toy Story movie known to man. As I’m typing, I’m realizing now why my back has a pain that never goes away and why I need several cups of coffee every morning to get started because as soon as my kids wake up they are like the energizer bunny. It’s only 10:30pm and I keep thinking I should go to sleep already because I’ll wake up at least two more times before they officially want to be up for the morning. The constant struggle of staying up later to get some “me” time but needing to go to bed early to catch all the sleep you can before they wake up.

I’m lucky. I’m sleepy and most of the time grumpy.. but lucky. When the time comes for me to go back to work I already know that I’ll cry because I’ll miss my kids. I’ll realize that I will no longer be there for every moment that they need me and when they cry for me I won’t be the one to calm them down. But in a way, for them, that’s part of the growing up process. Learning to handle situations on their own without their safety net.

I guess that day can take its time getting here.

Goodnight.

Life as we know it.

I’m sitting here watching If I Stay.. well sort of. The internet is lagging so I keep having to pause it so it will load up more of the movie. Meanwhile, I’m thinking about the Diane Keaton autobiography I have sitting next to my bed that I’ve been meaning to read but can’t seem to pull away from my Harry Potter. Ugh the dilemma of being a book worm am I right?

I’ve been thinking for weeks about something worth writing about. Looking for any sort of inspiration that may spark an idea but frankly, I’ve been too damn tired. Of course, I’m always tired. I can’t remember the last time that I felt like I had actually caught up on all of the sleep that I’ve lost between being so big that I wish I could sleep on my belly to sharing a twin mattress with a 2 year old and Mickey Mouse/Donald Duck. But lately it’s just been almost unbearable. Coffee is only doing so much and the kiddos have been avoiding naps like they are the plague. If they only knew that they’ll wish they that never took things like sleep or bathroom trips alone for granted.. One day.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how I was when I was younger. I worked out more even if it was running around being crazy and randomly playing tennis. I would apply body lotion like it was my second skin and now I can’t remember the last time I used it. No wonder I complain about dry skin.. I ate a whole lot better. I’m probably the only woman that wishes that she could gain more weight. I’ve never really been a big fan of being the skinny girl. The more meat on the bones the better I say. Women’s figures from the mid century were so gorgeous and now the “in” thing is to be the smallest and most tone you can be. I guess if that’s what you prefer, to each their own, but I’d rather give my significant other something to hold on to.

I want to read more. I want to eat better. I want to exercise and pay more attention to my body. I want to feel more energized and less anxious. I want to not feel like the walking dead all the time.

Of course, you can want a lot of things but actually making them happen is a whole other story. Just like I’ve been wanting to find more inspiration to write when all I really had to do was just sit in front of my laptop and start typing. That’s probably how a lot of things in life work right? They say if you’re tired of the way your life is going then what you have to do is change something or else you will continue to get the same thing you’ve always gotten.

Always evolving..

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Today, the hubby and I got into a little spat. It was about something that is frequently brought up by myself about him that I just can’t stand. Any one else been there? Now for anyone that doesn’t know, my marriage was started after one month of dating and being engaged. We got hitched at the courthouse and three years later, we have two happy bundles calling us mama and daddy. As you can imagine, we didn’t exactly get the honeymoon phase and therefore didn’t get to fully explore ourselves and figure out all of our weird quirks. Also my husband is a man and his whole identity didn’t change the moment he got pregnant and gave himself over to another human being. Fathers are different than mothers and not particularly in a bad way but just in a different way. We have women’s intuition and know every single cry is different than the rest. Baby language is our second language while sports is his. I’m not going to lie to you, I didn’t take my dad’s advice when he said that men don’t grow up until they are way past 30. I THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE. I love my husband but he is an almost 30 year old man child. My third baby is what I sometimes think as I’m sure many women do think in their marriages when they have children as well. He wants a sandwich, he doesn’t feel good, “Baby my team lost it’s a bad day”. It’s just silly to me. I can’t even imagine getting sick because I don’t know how my household would even function if that were to happen.

Anywho, back to the spat. We got married before we ever even had a big fight and let me tell you I thought we would never fight. WRONG! We can go at it like cats and dogs about who’s right and who’s wrong. But what I came to realize today after our 1,000th fight about the same old thing is that.. I’ve changed. I am in no way the same person that my husband married. Not because he didn’t know certain things about me but because I literally have changed. The things that I get mad at him about are things that define who he is. Things that make his personality and I just wasn’t fully aware of them when we got married, but I get mad at him because I expect him to change the way that I have. When I became a mother, my entire being changed. I became more conservative, no longer partied in any way, definitely became more of a recluse and that’s not how I was when I married my husband. I thought when we became parents that we would grow up and have different priorities. My husband stays up late playing video games while I can’t get to bed fast enough. See what I’m saying here? Grandma married to an 18 year old.

I realized today that I get mad at him over things without even thinking about if how I’ve changed affects him. Since becoming a mother my anxiety has sky rocketed even further than it had before I had children and it can be crippling. That is not something that my husband signed up for but it is something that he’s learning to help me with even though some times he doesn’t understand it at all. I expect him to be a finished product all the time. After I’ve had a long talk with him about my problems that I have with him, I expect to see a completely new man the next day while when he does the same to me, I expect him to cut me some slack because I have two other little people to fill my mind with. That’s one of the big things about being a mom right? You’re so busy taking care of little ones that you forget you need to take care of yourself and all of your energy goes to them. So what happens is you give all of your best to the kiddos and leave the scraps for you and your significant other. It’s a problem and I’m really trying to find a way to best handle it. I’m a mother that thinks my children deserve every last drop of me and I’ve given up my life to please them. Do I regret it? In no way shape or form, but I’m tired and my husband sees the worst side of me almost daily. So, while I’m busy trying to change him, I’m forgetting that I also need to work on myself. He gives me a new chance every day to be the bright sunflower that he married while the minute he does something wrong I’m right there to bring it to his attention. I think tomorrow I’ll turn over a new leaf.

 Marriage.. No one said it was easy right?

Like Mother, Like Father.

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I’m sitting here snuggled up like it’s the middle of winter when really it’s just because I have to keep my house a little cooler since the boys in my family stay warm like bears in hibernation. I don’t know if I’ve ever used the term “You’re just like your father” more in my life and didn’t actually mean it as a joke. There’s so many things that I see in my boys every day that remind me of nothing but their father. Their mischievous smiles, their bathroom habits, one of them looks exactly like his baby picture circa 1988. They also have this overwhelming need to constantly remind me that they are packed full of testosterone.. Just like their father! haha. I often wonder what it would be like if I were to have a little girl. Thinking just because she was a girl that she was more like me than the others. Of course then I’d get payback for all those crazy girl teenage years I gave my parents and instantly regret wishing for a girl. Then again.. I could get lucky and she have all my nerdy traits that make her want to stay home every night and read Tolstoy rather than master the art of beer pong. Southern parties.. but that’s another story.

I go back and think of my oldest. He’s my mama’s boy. I’m his first thought in the morning and his last request before he falls asleep at night. He wants nothing more than to have me snuggled up with him watching Mickey Mouse or help me wash dishes (which is a new thing and I’m still getting used to that new part in my routine). He has my quiet side and wanting to be left to his own time. Then my youngest, who tends to have more of my looks but definitely is more of a daddy’s boy. He does however do this thing that I’m well known at being a master at which is talking with my eyebrows. It’s the funniest thing seeing yourself in another person and sometimes not even realizing that that’s what you look like. It’s so odd isn’t it? Is that what my face looks like? Did I do that when I was a kid? I really need to call my parents and ask them if I was this crazy as a kid.

We’ve been thinking about getting a dog when we get a bigger house and the kids are a little older. I can’t even begin to imagine what that will do to my daily life. Maybe it would make it easier. It would be like Nana from Peter Pan and the dog could be a nurse maid to my kiddos. Then again, my life isn’t an animated Disney classic.. oh well. A girl can dream can’t she?

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Hope Floats (1998)

Bernice Pruitt: My dad says that childhood is the happiest time of my life. But, I think he’s wrong. I think my mom’s right. She says that…

[Bernice’s voice fades as Birdee takes over]

Birdee Pruitt: [laughing] Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That’s what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will too..”

From one woman to another.. Love yourself & love life!

Midday vibes

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I plan on being a busy bee this week so be expecting more new content when you stop by. 🙂

From one woman to another.. Love yourself & love life!